“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space there is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

– Viktor Frankl, Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor.

As Viktor Frankl reminds us, there is space in the back and forth of a conversation. Often it’s difficult to find this “space”, a moment to pause and respond.

In the midst of feeling “triggered”, when something is said that gets under our skin, it’s especially hard to pause. A recent conversation between my husband and me illustrates my point: “What do you mean we don’t want to power-wash the patio?… It’s a waste of money… But it has ten years of dirt on top…No one will notice…My feet will notice!” We overreact, caught up in emotions. We lose track of the topic. Then, after calming down, we wonder, “What was that all about really?” The patio didn’t warrant so much energy.

Unlike long, best friend discussions in high school, analyzing the “who said what” and the psychological “why” for misbehavior, as adults, when actively conversing, we need to discern our “truth” and express it thoughtfully, carefully, and with consideration for our conversational partner.

How might we find a moment to manage our emotions before responding, use “our power to choose our response”?

Hit “Pause”!

Here are some “work in progress” suggestions to cultivate our “Pause” button:

• Take a breath.
• Ask for a moment: “Let me consider for a second what you’re saying.”
• Smile. Look for something funny- not to make a joke out of a conflict but to add some levity. Not only do we connect through humor, anything that makes us smile diffuses tension.
• Recognize our ego cheering us on. Is the conflict about “being right”? Having to win does not guaranty the right solution.
• Acknowledge the other person. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention.” Everyone wants to feel heard.
• Keep the topic in perspective. Rarely is a conversation life threatening.

We’re all human which means we react to one degree or another, often with “fight” versus “flight”. The truth is, however, that when we develop our “Pause” buttons, we enjoy our life more. We learn. We’re healthier, too, using our energy for better purposes.

The world needs us to pause, moments for peace, finding the space between stimulus and response.

Pause for peace.

 

Year of Confab 2017

#21 When’s the last time you resolved a conflict through conversation?  What helped ease the conversation?