Hopefully disproportionately small in our lives, sorrow and tragedy are unfortunate parts of life. This means that, at some point, we’ll find ourselves in conversation with a friend, loved-one, co-worker or acquaintance facing a life challenge.
Our natural instincts scream for us to fix whatever is broken. We want to find just the right phrase of comfort. Our minds busily fret, rationalizing multiple solutions.
If we’re not careful we might say the wrong thing. Frankly, when life throws us lemons, is there anything to say?
Difficult scenarios call for empathy not lectures or thoughtless comments. Facts speak for themselves demanding honesty and sincerity. As Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Here are six suggestions for how we might “show up” in uncomfortable circumstances:
- Have clarity about our own emotions without letting them overtake us. Our fears are secondary to the person we’re supporting.
- Being quiet and not saying much is the right way to respond. Words matter less when instead we can be fully present to another’s pain, with love and empathy.
- Speaking is about the listening. Acknowledging heartbreak and reflecting back what we’re hearing can guide a response: “Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire and judgment- and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person.”[1]
- To witness suffering makes us feel uneasy. It’s incredibly hard to observe another’s pain. Bringing your best loving self into the room, connected to the truth in your body, will lead you through whatever needs to be said.
- As much as we wish we could “save the world”, we’re not being asked to do so! Whatever the difficult circumstance, it’s someone else’s wrestling match…not yours. Demonstrate extreme care.
- Even if alone with the other person, we’re not on our own! Stay open to help. Showing up as a manager or a friend at that particular moment is not a coincidence. If appropriate, garner support from others as well.
Offering the most sincere goodwill to someone in need will benefit the person and expand out into the world. The world is so much bigger than we can imagine and genuine listening reverberates in the most positive way.
Wishing you courage when there’s not much to say!
Bonus: Since we’re fourteen weeks into our year, here are some questions to keep handy for conversation with family and friends, strangers, or acquaintances! Please note that questions 1-6 are in earlier blogs. These questions catch us up for a Year of Confab 2017!
(7) How’s your year been so far?
(8) What do you enjoy most about spring?
(9) Tell me about an issue that matters a great deal to you?
(10) If you could meet one person, who would it be?
(11) Do you have a personal motto or creed?
(12) What has been your most satisfying work experience? Why?
(13) In your travels, what has been the most exciting bridge you’ve ever gone over or tunnel you’ve ever gone through?
(14) If money didn’t matter, what kind of work would you do?
[1] Pg. 77, The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nicholds; The Guilford Press, New York, 2009.
