“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” No other sentence stops conversation like this one. The recipient feels unheard. In response we retort: “I can’t move forward with my day (my project, my work, with going to sleep) without having a conversation NOW”. Are you someone who can wait? Most of us can’t.
Perhaps there’s fear or apprehension. Or, the topic is contentious and more time is needed to formulate a response. Maybe it’s truly not a good time to converse, late at night, the end of a hectic workday or a hostile environment.
Yet, even when we feel frustrated, delaying a conversation often leads to a better outcome, just later.
Here’s why and how for timing difficult conversations:
Reduce the heat: When a topic is difficult, it’s best to allow our emotions to cool. Although taking a pause might seem like a delay tactic, mutual understanding is improved when participants are calm and centered.
Stop fighting with ego: Although we have valid concerns, our egos enjoy fueling the fire: “Go. Go. Go. Get what you want or it’s’ curtains for you’! Don’t let her/him walk all over you.” Amidst the babble, discern the wisdom in a delay and keep your thoughts positive. Conversation works so much better when we get out of our own head.
Triggers beware: Oh, how difficult it can be to control our reactions. When we observe our feelings versus react, even if pausing only for a few seconds, we can stop ourselves from saying something untrue. Remember, just because someone doesn’t want to talk at that moment, doesn’t mean that you haven’t been heard.
Breathe and Explore: A Deep Breath (or two or three) is absolutely mandatory when feeling blocked. Creating even a ten second pause will help you better grapple with a constructive response.
Give up control: Trust a better opportunity will present itself in the future for everyone’s benefit. Accept “what is” at that moment in the universe and move on.
No guaranty means changing it up: Depending upon the scenario, there’s no guaranty that the conversation will happen at all. All you know for sure is that your current approach is not working. Acknowledge the resistance and let the moment pass. Then, mull over the interaction and have confidence that you can find another way to discuss the topic. Most likely it’s a different “version” of what you wanted to talk about in the first place.
Sit, reflect and be patient. You’ll find the right moment or the right moment will present itself to you.
Year of Confab 2017
#27 “Is “I don’t want to talk about this right now” (or some form of this response) a trigger for you? What can you do to formulate a thoughtful response?
