At the time, my friend kept telling me, “Go out for a glass of wine, even coffee, so that you can have some space for conversation.” Although I didn’t listen, looking back all these years later, she was right: I should have talked about the “tough stuff” with my manager and co-worker.
When conversations don’t happen employees feel dissatisfied, processes appear unclear, cohesion is loosened, gossip flourishes and trust is lost. I experienced a work setback when an honest conversation that should have happened did not occur. A group project finished successfully. My review had been stellar. The board was satisfied with my performance. Clients were happy. Yet, no explanations would be offered: I would not be considered for a new opportunity with the team. Under the guise of confidentiality, there could be no discussion. It was not the rejection that bothered me; rather, the lack of respect and honesty in the relationships.
Initiating conversation
Reflecting the adage, “manage your manager” I initiated conversation three times and unfortunately did not garner a new perspective. Was it my responsibility alone to reach out? The answer is “yes and “no”. All of us are responsible for creating constructive dialog, and, frankly, my manager had tried to make each conversation helpful. I still mourned in my own head.
Making assumptions
Despite the lack of dialog, I deduced that a co-worker had not recommended me for the position. Notice that I surmised this theory. I really didn’t know. I had only considered scenarios relevant to “my reality” which undoubtedly ignored the truths of other employees.
In his commencement essay, “This is Water”, David Foster Wallaces cautions us about operating on a reflexive, non-thinking mode: “If you’re automatically sure that you know what reality is and who and what is really important- if you want to operate on your default setting- then you, like me, probably will not consider possibilities, that aren’t pointless and annoying.” What hadn’t I considered?
Have courage
Instead of making assumptions I needed courage to communicate with the other co-worker. In the book, The Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us:
“We make all kinds of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions…We have agreed that it is not safe to ask questions: we have agreed that if people love us, they should know what we want or how we feel. When we believe something, we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position.”[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][1]
It deeply befuddled me that a co-worker, who I had known and liked for years, avoided truthful conversation. Yet, I knew that “delivering the bad news” was difficult, and even harder with someone we liked. Conversations scare us sometimes. We can’t anticipate reactions. We fear repercussions. Admittedly I’ve had multiple “fails” on the occasion of trying to correct something array in a relationship and it’s taken time to re-build. In the end, however, the relationship is stronger and more genuine if we have courage to express our thoughts, ask questions and deeply listen.
When faced with difficult conversations…
When faced with tough conversations, we need to surrender to the situation- give up our likes and dislikes and preferences for “how it should be”. We can use our will to listen well and stay open to possibilities. Remaining generous when conversing applies to all involved.
Go for the growth! The cost of not communicating represents a lost maturing opportunity. Goodwill, learning and expansiveness arise from conversation, even if it means slogging through difficult topics.
When you have a quiet moment, consider the conversations you’re avoiding? Why? Is the reality true? How might we bring our best selves to the topics that need to be discussed?
Again, as David Foster Wallace says in his commencement speech presented to Kenyon College class of 2005,
“…if you’ve really learned how to think, how to pay attention, then you will know you have other options. “
My story has a noteworthy ending. Two weeks later I uncovered new business that sent me on an exciting trajectory, one I had never imagined. If only I had known that the universe had been right all along!
[1] Pg. 68, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz; Amber-Allen Publishing Inc., 1997[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
